So tonight I'm not feeling as good as I have been. It's a 'down' night, a 'low' night. When I talked of wanting to go on a date, who was I kidding? It's all talk. Just me, puffing up my chest, trying to convince myself and you nice folks that I'm okay.
For the most part, I am okay. When I can zone out and not think of anything in particular, I am peachy. When I do have time alone with my thoughts, well, that's kind of a grey area.
Have I just been avoiding, instead of actually feeling? That's what it's feeling like right now. That it's not so much that I'm alright with the way things have unfolded over the last few (okay, 10) years, but that I've just made the decision to avoid it and not think about it. Is that how you happy people do it? Just take the bad and keep pushing it away, and it just becomes second nature? So then you are happy, because all the shit that's happened to you has just been put up on a shelf and forgotten? Obviously I still have some work to do on being a happy person. I don't know for sure that I'm cut out for the job.
I do know that I am not ready (or even really want) to date. I have a lot of ups and downs on this one. Here I was spewing sanctimonious crap about knowing what real marriage is. But who am I to know when the only times I've loved, I wasn't loved back. I may have thought I was being loved at the time, but as I look back on all 3 times now, I see that these boys never really cared about me. Not in the slightest. So how could I even tell if the real thing came along? I'm just going to fall for another schmuck who will treat my like garbage, and the cycle will continue.
Sorry all, it's just not a good night.