Earth Day

Thanks for the reminder that it's Earth Day, Gareth.

I went to the Bontaical Gardens and the Biodome yesterday. I finally got to see the Butterflies Fly Free exhibit. It was amazing, beautiful, wild. I'm so glad that I got to enjoy it with a good friend, and didn't waste the experience on a bad date that I thought I had wanted to badly.

Here are some pics...

Oh no no, don't you start this again. I thought I'd finally gotten rid of you, like a bad fungus.
Isn't there something (or someone...) better you should be doing with your free time.
Go on, skat you mangy cat.

So tonight I'm not feeling as good as I have been. It's a 'down' night, a 'low' night. When I talked of wanting to go on a date, who was I kidding? It's all talk. Just me, puffing up my chest, trying to convince myself and you nice folks that I'm okay.
For the most part, I am okay. When I can zone out and not think of anything in particular, I am peachy. When I do have time alone with my thoughts, well, that's kind of a grey area.
Have I just been avoiding, instead of actually feeling? That's what it's feeling like right now. That it's not so much that I'm alright with the way things have unfolded over the last few (okay, 10) years, but that I've just made the decision to avoid it and not think about it. Is that how you happy people do it? Just take the bad and keep pushing it away, and it just becomes second nature? So then you are happy, because all the shit that's happened to you has just been put up on a shelf and forgotten? Obviously I still have some work to do on being a happy person. I don't know for sure that I'm cut out for the job.
I do know that I am not ready (or even really want) to date. I have a lot of ups and downs on this one. Here I was spewing sanctimonious crap about knowing what real marriage is. But who am I to know when the only times I've loved, I wasn't loved back. I may have thought I was being loved at the time, but as I look back on all 3 times now, I see that these boys never really cared about me. Not in the slightest. So how could I even tell if the real thing came along? I'm just going to fall for another schmuck who will treat my like garbage, and the cycle will continue.
Sorry all, it's just not a good night.

This weather is just kooky. Between the 3 (yes, that isn't a typo, 3) snowstorms so far in the month of April, the non-stop rain and wild wind, this city's a freakin mess. It's also itching to have some beers or sangria on a terrasse. Montreal is known for flocking to the outdoor cafes as soon as the it's warm enough to be outside for an extended period of time, even with a coat on.
Even business is hurting. Our Spring lines aren't selling. But who wants to go buy pretty skirts or flowery tops when we haven't put away the parkas or toques?
Hockey season is over, sadly. The Habs just couldn't pull it off this year. And with the way that they played in their last game, they didn't deserve to be in the playoffs. So for me, now I'm just waiting for the Als to take the field. Maybe they won't disapoint me this year? But let's not count on it.
Found out the ex (MA) is getting married as well. It's this crazy facebook. You find out everything about everyone you lost contact with. And surprise, everyone I've ever know is either engaged, married or pregnant. I thought it would upset me more, but, bah, whatever. They're all going to be spending whackloads of money on stupidity, while I'll be getting my brand new, gorgeous, funky loft downtown. I guess it's their choice, but having come out at the other end from that sad 'need' to get married, I've realized what a huge waste it is. And how most of the time it's just superficial. People are so much more excited over their engagement rings and the size of the weddings than about the actual marriage. I'm glad that I know the true meaning of a marriage and will be MUCH more selective in chosing the one who will be my partner for the rest of my life. I'm placing my bets now on how many of these people end up divorced or unhappy in loveless marriages. I'll be laughing to myself.
Any other updates anyone want? I can't think of anything else to write. Throw me a topic, I'll write about it, I promise.

Well, what can I say? I don't have much to say. Apparently I only run my mouth (or my keyboard) when things are going horribly.
Things have been going okay. Not smashingly, but okay. Like a calm lake, not a ripple. Sometimes I'd like a little ripple, just to make things interesting, but I'm afraid of a wave. I think what I'd really like to do is just go on a date. But a good date, not one of those horrible lavalife dates I've been on. A real date, one that I really want to be on. I feel like I might actually be ready.

Adjusting to the New Me

I guess that you can say that I haven't done a real post in quite some time. And the truth of the matter is, that as of late, it's hard for me to figure out how I'm really feeling.
When I decided to come back to Christy's Return, it did occur to me that when I started this originally, I was trying to "return" to someone who has never even existed. I wanted to go back to "normal" and to "being happy". What I've discovered, is that in 30 years, I have never experienced "normal" and have most definitely never been truly happy. I can make this bold statement now, because I believe that I've finally settled into a bizarre state of quiet contentment.
I refer to it as bizarre, because on me, happy feels very unnatural and foreign. For the most part, I am just coasting along. I have become very indifferent to a lot of things that would've normally triggered a tantrum, or meltdown, or fit of rage. Things just are not bothering me, and I feel really good for a good part of the time. I am getting used to not living in a melancholic haze. Sometimes I feel like I'm just living in a blissful state of denial, and at some point down the road, I will go back to seeing things "clearly" and see how miserable I should be. That gets me a little scared, because deep down I do know that that really isn't seeing things "clearly", but just under a cloud of depression.
The reality of my life right now is that I finally am able to see all the good around me and just not focus on the bad. Sure, I have a moment every now and again where I do get sad, and down, and even cry a little. But that, my friends, is normal. Normal people feel pain, and they hurt. The let themselves feel the feelings, and they move on. I think I've been so focused on all my feeling good, that I was afraid of even a little sadness. I was afraid that I wouldn't bounce back, and it would set me off, so to speak. But the good news is that on Saturday night, I had a moment. Someone hurt me, and I let myself feel it. I cried, cause crying just felt like the natural response. And when I cried, out of habit, my mind started to drift to 'him', and to others, and to how I'm all alone, and how nobody will ever love me, etc. But, I was able to stop myself right away. It was a little moment I had between sobs where I just said "you aren't crying for him, you've already done that and he doesn't deserve one more tear from you. You aren't crying because you're alone, you've been revelling in your aloneness. You are crying because someone who once meant the world to you treated you badly. Cry for that, and only that." I did. I cried because someone that I had not seen in years, and was soooo excited to see again, left suddenly without even a good-bye. As quickly as he had appeared he had disappeared. That crushed me. So that's what I cried for, and I woke up the next morning a-ok. I had had a sad moment without falling into a black hole, an abyss of sorrow. My moment passed and my happiness was still intact.
This is big accomplishment for me. For most of you, this probably seems somewhat trivial, but for me, it's big. And it gives me the confidence to just let myself feel. But feel responsibly. Things will fall into place eventually, and I am just grateful that I will have a healthy heart and soul when they do. All that blabber about loving yourself before you can love someone is actually true! Who knew?