Adjusting to the New Me

I guess that you can say that I haven't done a real post in quite some time. And the truth of the matter is, that as of late, it's hard for me to figure out how I'm really feeling.
When I decided to come back to Christy's Return, it did occur to me that when I started this originally, I was trying to "return" to someone who has never even existed. I wanted to go back to "normal" and to "being happy". What I've discovered, is that in 30 years, I have never experienced "normal" and have most definitely never been truly happy. I can make this bold statement now, because I believe that I've finally settled into a bizarre state of quiet contentment.
I refer to it as bizarre, because on me, happy feels very unnatural and foreign. For the most part, I am just coasting along. I have become very indifferent to a lot of things that would've normally triggered a tantrum, or meltdown, or fit of rage. Things just are not bothering me, and I feel really good for a good part of the time. I am getting used to not living in a melancholic haze. Sometimes I feel like I'm just living in a blissful state of denial, and at some point down the road, I will go back to seeing things "clearly" and see how miserable I should be. That gets me a little scared, because deep down I do know that that really isn't seeing things "clearly", but just under a cloud of depression.
The reality of my life right now is that I finally am able to see all the good around me and just not focus on the bad. Sure, I have a moment every now and again where I do get sad, and down, and even cry a little. But that, my friends, is normal. Normal people feel pain, and they hurt. The let themselves feel the feelings, and they move on. I think I've been so focused on all my feeling good, that I was afraid of even a little sadness. I was afraid that I wouldn't bounce back, and it would set me off, so to speak. But the good news is that on Saturday night, I had a moment. Someone hurt me, and I let myself feel it. I cried, cause crying just felt like the natural response. And when I cried, out of habit, my mind started to drift to 'him', and to others, and to how I'm all alone, and how nobody will ever love me, etc. But, I was able to stop myself right away. It was a little moment I had between sobs where I just said "you aren't crying for him, you've already done that and he doesn't deserve one more tear from you. You aren't crying because you're alone, you've been revelling in your aloneness. You are crying because someone who once meant the world to you treated you badly. Cry for that, and only that." I did. I cried because someone that I had not seen in years, and was soooo excited to see again, left suddenly without even a good-bye. As quickly as he had appeared he had disappeared. That crushed me. So that's what I cried for, and I woke up the next morning a-ok. I had had a sad moment without falling into a black hole, an abyss of sorrow. My moment passed and my happiness was still intact.
This is big accomplishment for me. For most of you, this probably seems somewhat trivial, but for me, it's big. And it gives me the confidence to just let myself feel. But feel responsibly. Things will fall into place eventually, and I am just grateful that I will have a healthy heart and soul when they do. All that blabber about loving yourself before you can love someone is actually true! Who knew?