Christy's Return

2008-05-17T11:55:00.000-07:00

They say that time heals all wounds. I like to believe that, and in the past, it has always proven to be true.
Yet with this heartbreak, nothing seems to help.
As you're set to marry another tomorrow, I can't control my memories of Victoria Day weekends passed.
My mind keeps returning to exactly 3 years ago, to the weekend where I thought I had finally won your heart and then actually lost it. A moment where I thought we would finally be a couple was overshadowed by your uncertainty. And then it culminated with your telling me that our time together was over. Your actions spoke louder than your words that weekend, and I can still hear your empty reply of "I don't know" to my question "what is it that you like about me?" In the silence of the night, that scene replays over and over to me, like a nightmare that I can't escape.
I keep thinking of how it was exactly 2 years ago when I saw you last. Our last moment together, where you dropped me off without saying anything and as I climbed my front stairs, I looked back to the car in, what is now, my final attempt to win your heart. You drove away and never looked back.
In my mind, I know that's it's been over for a long, long time. Looking back with a clear head, I realize that it was probably over before it ever started. But my heart can never connect with my head and has always heald out hope. Tomorrow will be the door closing on my heart. When that door closes, I don't know how or if my heart will ever recover.
I cannot wish you luck. I cannot wish you happiness. I cannot wish you a joyous wedding and I cannot wish you a long and happy marriage. I can only wish that I make it through tomorrow and finally begin a new life on Monday.

An Odd Tidbit...

2007-06-27T14:56:00.000-07:00

...The little house (which still hasn't sold), belonged to my great grandmother many, many years ago. Weird, eh? I had no idea, but I bet that explains why I've been so drawn to it.

2007-06-11T16:16:00.000-07:00

The parents did a drive by of the house.
And a big, unanimous 'NO'! So there is what's gone wrong.
Not a happy night tonight, I'm so sick of having NOTHING!

Decisions, Decisions

2007-06-10T18:06:00.000-07:00

There hasn't been much going on with me. Except the whole buying a house thing...
Yes, you read right. The whole idea of purchasing a home has been on my mind for a few months now. It seems like the appropriate next step in my life, seeing as there isn't anything else that'll be happening.
I've gone to look at some condos, I've looked into different complexes, and the reality is, on one salary, they are just far too expensive. The price may be reasonable, but once you factor in the taxes and monthly condo fees, there is no way that I could do it.
A few months ago, I saw a little house for sale online, in an area that I was interested in, for a price that seemed do-able. So finally last week, I decided to contact the agent and go take a look. I was mostly going to satisfy my curiosity. I figured that I'd go and hate it. It would be ugly in person, or way smaller than I thought, or the neighbourhood wasn't what I wanted. I thought that if I got it out of my head, I wouldn't be miserable when I found out it had sold, and I wouldn't have to spend the next 6 months wondering if that house, like all the men in my life, was 'the one that got away'. Unfortunately, I really liked the house.
Now I'm in a huge state of confusion. Generally things go badly for me. So the fact that the planets seemed to have aligned for me and this house, feels like I might be tempting fate a little. Like I'll buy it, and a week later, the roof falls in. That's the sort of thing that happens to me. Or, I'll spend my life savings and mortgage myself sky high, and then lose my job. Things don't go smoothly and this would be a huge thing to have fall apart.
Limbo looms for me. I can't decide what to do. I really want this house, mainly cause it's cute and I can afford it. Who knows the next time those two (important) factors will align? And with my recent inability to make basic decisions, I can't see myself being able to decide on this one all by myself. And so far, nobody has offered up any tangible advice other than "yeah, that little house is really cute". Some help please...

2007-05-28T17:08:00.000-07:00

Why does Ron MacLean insist on interviewing Gary Bettman? There is no bigger pompous, arrogant, RUDE, S.O.B. on this planet. I understand that it's probably a key interview, but nobody should have to endure his out and out rudeness and nastiness, and if Canadians could give their opinion, I'm sure they'd tell Ron to just not bother. It's not worth the abuse he takes for asking some very basic questions.
And if I ever get the great opportunity to meet that rancid little midget in a dark alley (hell, even in a well lit shopping mall), I'll be sure to get a shot in for Ron MacLean. Maybe 2 or 3 just for him, and then a whole whackload just for myself.

Crispy

2007-05-14T19:06:00.000-07:00

I'm a little sunburnt. I've been going to bronzage for a week and a half, and I get burnt sitting outside yesterday afternoon, celebrating Mother's Day. Go figure.
I took a nice oatmeal bath to try and help. It didn't. I got in the tub and all I could think of was the last time I was so sunburnt and I took a bath, I wasn't alone. Tonight I was. I didn't like it. And I hate when I miss him. I hate him, I hate the situation and I hate myself for still not being over it.
Nothing going on, in life, really. A lot going on in my head. I'm too exhausted and annoyed with my weakness to even write about it. Here's hoping it will pass, must maintain the cheerfull, happy new Christy.

2007-05-06T16:58:00.000-07:00

I know, I know, you've all been popping by, and I've been a very bad (lazy) blogger.
Honest, there is nothing going on, so nothing to report. Things are good. Still no dates, but that's okay, haven't been up for anything like that.
Yep, things are boring here.

Earth Day

2007-04-22T17:55:00.000-07:00

Thanks for the reminder that it's Earth Day, Gareth.

I went to the Bontaical Gardens and the Biodome yesterday. I finally got to see the Butterflies Fly Free exhibit. It was amazing, beautiful, wild. I'm so glad that I got to enjoy it with a good friend, and didn't waste the experience on a bad date that I thought I had wanted to badly.

Here are some pics...

2007-04-20T19:11:00.000-07:00

Oh no no, don't you start this again. I thought I'd finally gotten rid of you, like a bad fungus.
Isn't there something (or someone...) better you should be doing with your free time.
Go on, skat you mangy cat.

2007-04-18T18:56:00.000-07:00

So tonight I'm not feeling as good as I have been. It's a 'down' night, a 'low' night. When I talked of wanting to go on a date, who was I kidding? It's all talk. Just me, puffing up my chest, trying to convince myself and you nice folks that I'm okay.
For the most part, I am okay. When I can zone out and not think of anything in particular, I am peachy. When I do have time alone with my thoughts, well, that's kind of a grey area.
Have I just been avoiding, instead of actually feeling? That's what it's feeling like right now. That it's not so much that I'm alright with the way things have unfolded over the last few (okay, 10) years, but that I've just made the decision to avoid it and not think about it. Is that how you happy people do it? Just take the bad and keep pushing it away, and it just becomes second nature? So then you are happy, because all the shit that's happened to you has just been put up on a shelf and forgotten? Obviously I still have some work to do on being a happy person. I don't know for sure that I'm cut out for the job.
I do know that I am not ready (or even really want) to date. I have a lot of ups and downs on this one. Here I was spewing sanctimonious crap about knowing what real marriage is. But who am I to know when the only times I've loved, I wasn't loved back. I may have thought I was being loved at the time, but as I look back on all 3 times now, I see that these boys never really cared about me. Not in the slightest. So how could I even tell if the real thing came along? I'm just going to fall for another schmuck who will treat my like garbage, and the cycle will continue.
Sorry all, it's just not a good night.

2007-04-16T15:43:00.000-07:00

This weather is just kooky. Between the 3 (yes, that isn't a typo, 3) snowstorms so far in the month of April, the non-stop rain and wild wind, this city's a freakin mess. It's also itching to have some beers or sangria on a terrasse. Montreal is known for flocking to the outdoor cafes as soon as the it's warm enough to be outside for an extended period of time, even with a coat on.
Even business is hurting. Our Spring lines aren't selling. But who wants to go buy pretty skirts or flowery tops when we haven't put away the parkas or toques?
Hockey season is over, sadly. The Habs just couldn't pull it off this year. And with the way that they played in their last game, they didn't deserve to be in the playoffs. So for me, now I'm just waiting for the Als to take the field. Maybe they won't disapoint me this year? But let's not count on it.
Found out the ex (MA) is getting married as well. It's this crazy facebook. You find out everything about everyone you lost contact with. And surprise, everyone I've ever know is either engaged, married or pregnant. I thought it would upset me more, but, bah, whatever. They're all going to be spending whackloads of money on stupidity, while I'll be getting my brand new, gorgeous, funky loft downtown. I guess it's their choice, but having come out at the other end from that sad 'need' to get married, I've realized what a huge waste it is. And how most of the time it's just superficial. People are so much more excited over their engagement rings and the size of the weddings than about the actual marriage. I'm glad that I know the true meaning of a marriage and will be MUCH more selective in chosing the one who will be my partner for the rest of my life. I'm placing my bets now on how many of these people end up divorced or unhappy in loveless marriages. I'll be laughing to myself.
Any other updates anyone want? I can't think of anything else to write. Throw me a topic, I'll write about it, I promise.

2007-04-13T18:07:00.000-07:00

Well, what can I say? I don't have much to say. Apparently I only run my mouth (or my keyboard) when things are going horribly.
Things have been going okay. Not smashingly, but okay. Like a calm lake, not a ripple. Sometimes I'd like a little ripple, just to make things interesting, but I'm afraid of a wave. I think what I'd really like to do is just go on a date. But a good date, not one of those horrible lavalife dates I've been on. A real date, one that I really want to be on. I feel like I might actually be ready.

Adjusting to the New Me

2007-04-02T18:13:00.000-07:00

I guess that you can say that I haven't done a real post in quite some time. And the truth of the matter is, that as of late, it's hard for me to figure out how I'm really feeling.
When I decided to come back to Christy's Return, it did occur to me that when I started this originally, I was trying to "return" to someone who has never even existed. I wanted to go back to "normal" and to "being happy". What I've discovered, is that in 30 years, I have never experienced "normal" and have most definitely never been truly happy. I can make this bold statement now, because I believe that I've finally settled into a bizarre state of quiet contentment.
I refer to it as bizarre, because on me, happy feels very unnatural and foreign. For the most part, I am just coasting along. I have become very indifferent to a lot of things that would've normally triggered a tantrum, or meltdown, or fit of rage. Things just are not bothering me, and I feel really good for a good part of the time. I am getting used to not living in a melancholic haze. Sometimes I feel like I'm just living in a blissful state of denial, and at some point down the road, I will go back to seeing things "clearly" and see how miserable I should be. That gets me a little scared, because deep down I do know that that really isn't seeing things "clearly", but just under a cloud of depression.
The reality of my life right now is that I finally am able to see all the good around me and just not focus on the bad. Sure, I have a moment every now and again where I do get sad, and down, and even cry a little. But that, my friends, is normal. Normal people feel pain, and they hurt. The let themselves feel the feelings, and they move on. I think I've been so focused on all my feeling good, that I was afraid of even a little sadness. I was afraid that I wouldn't bounce back, and it would set me off, so to speak. But the good news is that on Saturday night, I had a moment. Someone hurt me, and I let myself feel it. I cried, cause crying just felt like the natural response. And when I cried, out of habit, my mind started to drift to 'him', and to others, and to how I'm all alone, and how nobody will ever love me, etc. But, I was able to stop myself right away. It was a little moment I had between sobs where I just said "you aren't crying for him, you've already done that and he doesn't deserve one more tear from you. You aren't crying because you're alone, you've been revelling in your aloneness. You are crying because someone who once meant the world to you treated you badly. Cry for that, and only that." I did. I cried because someone that I had not seen in years, and was soooo excited to see again, left suddenly without even a good-bye. As quickly as he had appeared he had disappeared. That crushed me. So that's what I cried for, and I woke up the next morning a-ok. I had had a sad moment without falling into a black hole, an abyss of sorrow. My moment passed and my happiness was still intact.
This is big accomplishment for me. For most of you, this probably seems somewhat trivial, but for me, it's big. And it gives me the confidence to just let myself feel. But feel responsibly. Things will fall into place eventually, and I am just grateful that I will have a healthy heart and soul when they do. All that blabber about loving yourself before you can love someone is actually true! Who knew?

Apologies

2007-03-27T18:00:00.000-07:00

So sorry all, for not having posted in a long time. I was deathly sick all last week. I even called in sick. Moi, the girl who cannot even remember the last time that she called in sick, did so at the company she's only worked out for about 4 months. I friggin rock!
But the main reason that I haven't posted is my sever addiction to facebook. Are you all on it? If not, get on it. It's crazy, insane, and as addictive as crack! Everyone you've ever known is on there. High school friends, old lovers, arch nemesis. Everyone, and you can add pictures, join groups, send messages, write on people's "walls". It's so much fun. I'm catching up with so many people, it's great. It's much faster than having to sit and write lengthy emails, or spending lots of time searching for old phone numbers. Everyone I know is addicted, and more and more people are joining. It's just wacky.
Blog? Who blogs now, when there's facebook? I'll try, but I can't promise any miracles. Now, go search me and add me as a friend :)

Recovered?

2007-03-20T12:19:00.000-07:00

Oh my lordy! I survived St Patrick's Day, and it was a blast. But now I am sick. So, so sick. I've cought a horrible cold, and even came home early from work today. I think I'm dying.

So here's a picture of just 2 days ago, when I still felt human, and possibly a little tipsy :)

Good Thoughts

2007-03-12T15:42:00.000-07:00

I was on the metro tonight, on my way home from work, when I saw something that touched me. It was just a very random act, one that I may have missed on any other day at any other time. But tonight I saw it, and it really made me think.
The car was overcrowded (nothing out of the ordinary for Montreal's public transit system). There was a very large, football looking guy, leaning against the closed doors. I noticed him because of his size. He was kind of scary, with his baggy clothes and backwards baseball cap. Just rough looking. At one of the stops, even more people piled into the car, and a tall, thin girl stood right in front of him. As the doors closed and everyone braced themselves for the rapid metro take off, the train just jolted forward, throwing everyone who was standing completely off balance. The tall, thin girl teetered, but caught hold of herself. What she never saw, but I did, was the big guy behind her, ready to catch her if she had toppled over.
I saw this "almost" random act of kindness, and I realized that she probably never even saw this guy behind her, didn't take notice of him. She got off a few stops later without ever knowing that someone had almost saved her from a potentially nasty (and embarrassing) fall.
And then the most beautiful thought came to me...

Sometimes, even a total stranger might be there to catch you when you fall.

Retail Therapy

2007-03-10T15:52:00.000-08:00

Some of you know my penchant for retail therapy. Some of you don't. One day I need to sit myself down and take a good long look at just how much I spend on therapy, and my retail therapy. I'm sure there could've been a house purchase much sooner if it weren't for my "needs".
Today, I headed into to town to take care of my recent jonesing for new products. There is a new Clinique moisturizer that I just had to have. Then over to Lush where I overindulged. A little too much. But hey, I was down and needed a pick me up.
You see, I have recently been chatting with someone that I met online. Last night, we were supposed to finally meet. Well, as luck (or rather, my luck) would have it, the entire night fell through, and I ended up home alone, watching multiple episodes of "What Not To Wear". Why he chose to bail on me, I don't know. Was I disappointed? Absolutely. It's not often that I like someone. Especially enough to want to meet them. And once again, I put my faith in someone who is clearly an arse. It's becoming pretty obvious to me that I have some lousy taste in boys. I just need to find a way to fix that. I need to train myself to be attracted to a different type of guy, because clearly the ones that I am attracted to aren't worth my time or effort. Maybe I need to work on this with my therapist, since I can't see retail therapy helping with this one...

Where to Start?

2007-03-08T16:44:00.000-08:00

I've come full circle, and after a year and a half, and multiple blogs, I am back. I've come home, back to where it all began.
I had started this blog way back when in hopes that I would be able to "return" to being Christy. What I've discovered is that I have never in my life really been Christy. I've been different variations, but I've never really, truly been me. This year, I've slowly but surely started to find out who I am and what makes me tick.
I have gone through some very rough times. Most of you out there have no idea just how rough it got. But I am on my way back from the depths of despair and it's starting to feel good. It feels good to be able to recover from such devastating news in a matter of days. News like that, at one time, would have crippled me. It would have knocked the life right out of me, and I may not have been able to peel myself off of the kitchen floor. But now, I am okay. I feel better. It hurts, it will probably always hurt, but I can go on.
This is not a place where I will ever talk about him. He is not worth the time, the energy spent typing, and he will never be worth the love that I was so willing to give him. I do not wish him well, in fact I wish him great pain. And being a believer in karma, and the laws of the universe, I know that he will get what is coming to him. And that is all that will ever be said of him here.
There are others that I can and probably will talk about. There are memories that I would like to share, parts of my life that could probably explain a lot about me.
So, here I am, I've returned, or arrived, however we choose to look at it. Welcome me back with open arms, please.